So I made a special playlist for this occasion. I’m just so cool. I’m feeling a lot of pain too. I can’t figure out myself. Am I someone who wants to help people or not? Do I really care what people think or do I just think so? Am I always the sarcastic one? The one with no serious side? The one who doesn’t know how to be nice? I know in my heart I can be a nice person, but why am I always this way to people? It isn’t like its helping. I don’t think I even realize it. I’ve ruined relationships and friendships by being me. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be myself. It’s too late in the game to immediately change. So what do I do?
Why do people get on my nerves all the time? Why do I take things offensively? Why can’t I open up to anyone? Why can’t I answer these questions? Why is it SO freaking hard for me to just be happy? It seems like everyone else has no problem with it. I just don’t know why it’s so hard for me. Why do I push away the people that love me the most? I think I am scared of commitment. I’m scared to grow close to someone. It’s not like anyone has ever just walked out of my life. I shouldn’t be having this problem, but I am. It concerns me.
I try to dedicate as much of my life to sports and school as possible. I used to blame it on my mom or dad and say they made me. However, sitting here just typing away, I wonder if it’s actually me trying to run away from reality. If I’m in the game, my mind is on that. Not on life itself. It seems so easy to just get caught up in the moment of the play. Why can’t I do that in real life? It’s not like it should be difficult. I’ve tried so many times to figure out what I am.
Why am I so cocky? Or better yet, why do I put myself out there like that? I’m not cocky. Okay, I’m good at softball. Pretty decent at softball. I got 1st in shot put, 2nd in high jump, and my 4x4 team got 3rd in area. So yeah I am athletic and I have many accomplishments under my belt. I’m one of those stupid people that believe if I’m not the best, I’m awful. It really get’s under my skin when I’m not number 1. So many people have told me to just sit back and realize that I am good, but as much as I want to listen, I won’t allow myself that pleasure. I can’t control it. I don’t know what makes me just get that mind set up. Obviously I understand I’m good at what I do, but why can’t that just be it with me?
Why do I have a wall set up? Every single person in the universe has imperfections, but I don’t want anybody to see mine. Why is that? Do I care too much about my image? Do I think people won’t like me? Will it make me less of myself? What it comes down to in my mind is that I can’t allow anyone to see that I’m a human being. It makes absolutely no sense though! By keeping this wall up, everyone can see my imperfections. By the way I act, everyone knows. None of this makes any sense.
It’s not like I have a bad home life. I mean not really anyways. I have a mom and dad. They have conflicts every now and then. My mom gets down a lot, I guess sort of like me. My dad has rheumatoid arthritis. Basically he has all this pain that he can’t do anything about it. It just spreads. I never think about either. I really haven’t even taken it into consideration until just now. He suffers everyday to make sure we all have what we need. Gosh. I’m ignorant. Well, I have a brother too. I believe he is a very decent person. He has my back for sure. A lot of people pick on me at school for being his sister because he is crazy (Not in a bad way! He’s a dare devil kind of. He likes to try new things and buy cool things to work on.), but I don’t let it bother me. I laugh it off. I have a sister too. We are good friends. She is usually always there for me. It’s no secret she parties. My brother does too and I don’t see why it’s a problem for him. I hate it for her though. Well, not really for her, but for me. I catch a whole bunch of grief at school and with friends about how she lives her life. It’s not their business anymore than it is mine, but it just really upsets me. Obviously, I have a good family, I think. We all have our tweaks, but it’s what makes us, us. I love my family to death. They get on my nerves a lot and I know I get on theirs more than a lot, but I know they love me too. So, if I have a good family, why do I have such problems?
I don’t go to my family or friends for help on emotional problems or personal problems. I think I get embarrassed and don’t want to open to them about my life. As you can see, I keep a lot of things bottled up inside. I always have as far as I’m concerned. I know there are many people who would just love for me to sit down with them and just talk to them about what I am going through, but I just can’t do it. I haven’t realized why either. It bothers me. I can’t even be real with myself, so how could I be with somebody else?
I don’t have even the slightest clue on how to go about any of this. I don’t know why I am doing it either. It’s not like after I do this I’m going to feel any better. Hell, why do I even want you seeing this? I’ve been called the victim too many times; what am I doing, now, then? Being the victim? Basically. I don’t want your sympathy. You can keep that to yourself. If I wanted sympathy, I wouldn’t hold back all the time.
I haven’t even concluded anything of this either. I’ve been sitting in my bed, laptop in my lap, phone off, headphones in, listening to a new playlist to just make me think, and I have concluded nothing of myself.
So let’s see, who do I think I am? I think I’m Casey Padgett, a freshman in high school, someone who can’t handle the care that people supply her with, someone who covers up her self-consciousness with cockiness, someone who tries hard to make relationships work, but just can’t grasp hold of the right technique to do it, someone who doesn’t want to hear everyone else’s opinion of her, someone who cares what people think enough to change her entire self for people, someone who uses sarcasm as a way to communicate, someone who can stand up for herself, someone who gets her point across easily, someone who needs to just calm down, someone who isn’t happy with the way people actually want to listen, someone who doesn’t take advantage of what she has right now, someone who can’t commit, someone who tries hard to be the absolute best, someone who needs to realize it’s not always a competition, someone who has her priorities messed up, someone who wakes up in the morning and thinks “well, here we go again”, someone who wants to solve the world’s problems before attacking hers first, someone who can keep you laughing, someone who wants to have fun, but really doesn’t know how to be fun by being her ACTUAL self, someone who likes to write out her feelings, someone who is a good student with bad habits, someone who doesn’t take other people’s feelings into consideration, someone who would actually be a happier person, if she opened up to the ones closest to her, someone who is just not that close to God, and sadly she is content with that, someone who wants to travel, someone who just wants to get out and make a difference, someone who wants to runaway, someone who needs to runaway, someone who is ready to go off to college in a different town with different people to start all over, someone who beats herself up over what she can and cannot be, someone who makes insane attempts to reach her full potential, someone who thinks her best isn’t her best, that she could do better, someone who goes to music, someone who wishes she could write a book, someone who has many plenty of mistakes, someone who is to ignorant, someone who can be extremely obnoxious, someone who just sees the flaws and not the actually glory of herself, someone who hates being told who someone else thinks she is, someone who doesn’t understand herself at all.
Well, that’s who I think I am. I’d like to say there is a mixture of positive and negative things in there. There are many things that I wish I could change. You don’t need to point fingers and tell me what you think I should change. I used to think that maybe you don’t need to change. Well, in some cases, you don’t need to, but I have mixed feelings on me. I want to change, but I don’t know whether to or not. I’ve also noted in this passage that I’ve been lying to myself; how do I really know that I’m lying about who I am? What if I just think I’m lying because I want to believe I’m something else? I don’t understand it. I just wrote this to help me out. If you read it, wow, thanks, it means a lot to think someone spent their time reading something little ole me wrote. Anyway, maybe you know what I’m going through, maybe you don’t, but this may help you get notation as to what is going through this little crazy head of mine.
