Summer.

It's the middle of July. I seriously can't believe summer is almost over. What a summer it was! Basketball and softball everyday; seeing my friends, if I was lucky. Ah anyways, with every summer ending, a new school year is beginning! Mine will be my sophomore year. The year we all go MIA. I can't complain, I'm ready to lay low.
Okay, so what I'm typing about. Forgiving, but not forgetting.
What does this have to do with summer? Well, last summer I blocked out the world and did my thing with a few people. This summer, I've been with everyone and anyone. I've made new friends, rekindled with old ones, turned enemies into good friends. It's amazing what you can do with forgiveness. What good does holding a grudge do? My dad made a good point today. He said "Ya know, grudges suck for the person holding it. Ever noticed how the person with the problem is the miserable one?" He's completely right. It's hard hating someone, literally. Ha! I just really appreciate this summer for allowing me to get out and talk to new people or turn previous relationships completely around!

It Happens in a Blink

Listen and Feel

It's amazing. You never know what's going to happen in the next minute. You could lose a friend, fall in love, win the lottery, anything. It's not always good.

Tonight, an ex, an awesome friend, an incredible guy, Jayson, found himself in a terrible accident. He didn't deserve it, he didn't ask for it, he didn't cause it, he didn't do a thing, it just happened. Right now, as I await news, he is in a hospital. However, he IS able to respond to people and is in a right mind, as I was told. He is a good guy, but it was just a freak accident.

You never really realize how quick things can just happen. Earlier this week, one of my other friends, was involved in a car accident. He could have been gone in an instant. 

You never know what is going to happen! Ever. We have to start realizing anything can happen at any moment of the day. Just because the sun is out and shining in your life doesn't mean it is for someone else. It's crazy when you think about it. 

Tonight, I was at softball practice. Having a good time with my team, just enjoying the time on the field. A little less than 35 minutes away, tragedy had struck my friend. You just don't know.

We all need to just slow down. Take a step back and look at the big picture. We're not guaranteed an eternity on this Earth. We need to live while we can. Forgive while we can. Most importantly, love while we can. 

Jayson Michael Haynes, we're keeping you in our prayers tonight. Our hearts go out to you, your family, and your best friend, CJ Thomasson. God is with you RIGHT NOW. He is looking over you. He is taking care of your friends, family, and most importantly you. You're so strong and so tough. I know you're being a champ about all of this. We love you. Everyone loves you. I love you. CJ, you too. Keep your head up. I love you and am trying to relate to this feeling you have. You're a great guy and I want you to just remember that.

Self Worth

There are always people in the world that are going to bring you down or at least try to. These people may be strangers, neighbors, "friends", boyfriends/girlfriends, or even family members. I know I would rather a complete stranger try to bring me down. Something about people close to me telling me that I'm not good enough isn't really something I want to hear.

I'm going to try my best not to type a novel right here, but then again I make no promises. 

Sometimes people try to joke around and make fun of you or put you down, but it's not a joke to you. It cuts deep. VERY deep. I can almost guarantee some person just read that and thought "Yeah, right! Get thicker skin. Just get over it." News flash: Some people aren't as high and mighty as you. If there's one thing I absolutely cannot stand, (Well, just one. There's many others) it's when people try to act big and tell you how to live or how to deal with things. We're all different. Sometimes we just need to be heard. Not preached to. 

I've expressed myself a lot through this blog in the past few months, so I think I'll continue. Suicide. It's one of those awkward subjects no one wants to talk about. Too bad, I am. I've thought about it. Not going to lie. Why you ask? People assume because I come off cocky, because I "have it all", because I excel in sports and academics, because I try to be happy all the time, etc., that I'm an amazing wonder wall and they can fire their shots at me. No. I'm a person, I have feelings. I have thin skin. I take most things personally. It's a problem. Before you tell me to fix it, fall back. Way back. People I know and even people I don't know have said things to me that really really reaaaaally burn. -NOTE: I am not trying to be portrayed as a victim here! I'm sharing my story, so others can and will relate.- Now, back to business. I'm not saying that when someone calls me ugly I automatically want to kill myself. By no means is that what I am saying. However, when I continuously get attacked by these kind of people, it adds up. You can't just "shake it off". Not that easy.

Self worth. What this whole thing is about. I've had to remind myself, I've had to find spiritual hope, I've had to get close friends to remind me. WE ALL HAVE SELF WORTH. Self worth is a term used in psychology to reflect a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth. The fact that any of us could come to the solution of death by ourselves is plain awful. It happens everyday, though. I am not about to push the bible on you, just a fair warning. However, I will say, there is not a single person on this entire planet that should ever make you feel like being dead would make everyone else happier! It's not true. This is a rather drastic analogy, but remember the "Don't let them know it got to you, it'll just make them feel successful." It's true that when someone starts a rumor about you or insults you, they aren't probably looking to try to kill you, but they are looking for you to be upset. If you sacrifice your own life you are just saying "Hey. You won. Deuces." I know for a fact, it's not worth it.

I guess you could say I have had my fair share of problems in the self worth department. I've been pushed down and kicked around while I'm down. And ya know, it always seems like that hand reaching to help you up is the one that'll shove you back down later. My advice on this problem: Figure out what it is you can do that will make you feel better. Obviously, mine is typing. Find yours. Singing? Shooting hoops? Running? It's out there. Find it and make yourself whole again. On your own, with no help. It's possible. I promise.

Oh hey, blog.

Whoa, haven't done this in awhile. I've been in Florida for the past week. Let me tell you, I've never been happier. I FINALLY got to get away from all the fake people in Rome. Wonder how many people that just pissed off? Oh well.
I love vacations!! No matter how you spend them, they are just awesome. Whether you'd rather be up in Tennesse in the Mountains or on the coast in Florida, it's oh so relaxing. Laying on the beach for about 5 hours everyday was heaven. Back in Rome, weather was awful, but down in Panama, you were waking up to sunshine EVERY day :)
The people you meet are amazing too! Literally, anyone I've ever met on vacation is just great. You usually end up never seeing them again, but it's always cool to just hang out with different people. They can't start crap about you either. Seeing as you usually meet people from different states, they can't really talk about you and ruin your life like 95.7% of the people I know and go to school with. Ah strangers, they're the best. Especially when they have candy ;) ;) ;) HA! Kidding..that's just creepy. Anyway, people, awesome. The end.
Well, I guess I'm done telling you what you already know.
PS: If you ask me how my trip went and what I did... hahha FALL BACK.

t-shirts! t-shirts! t-shirts!

Simple. If enough people want one, I'm going to order them, sell them (cheaply), so lemme know. I'll hit ya with a design later.

Give your eyes a workout.

So I made a special playlist for this occasion. I’m just so cool. I’m feeling a lot of pain too. I can’t figure out myself. Am I someone who wants to help people or not? Do I really care what people think or do I just think so? Am I always the sarcastic one? The one with no serious side? The one who doesn’t know how to be nice? I know in my heart I can be a nice person, but why am I always this way to people? It isn’t like its helping. I don’t think I even realize it. I’ve ruined relationships and friendships by being me. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be myself. It’s too late in the game to immediately change. So what do I do?

Why do people get on my nerves all the time? Why do I take things offensively? Why can’t I open up to anyone? Why can’t I answer these questions? Why is it SO freaking hard for me to just be happy? It seems like everyone else has no problem with it. I just don’t know why it’s so hard for me. Why do I push away the people that love me the most? I think I am scared of commitment. I’m scared to grow close to someone. It’s not like anyone has ever just walked out of my life. I shouldn’t be having this problem, but I am. It concerns me.

I try to dedicate as much of my life to sports and school as possible. I used to blame it on my mom or dad and say they made me. However, sitting here just typing away, I wonder if it’s actually me trying to run away from reality. If I’m in the game, my mind is on that. Not on life itself. It seems so easy to just get caught up in the moment of the play. Why can’t I do that in real life? It’s not like it should be difficult. I’ve tried so many times to figure out what I am.

Why am I so cocky? Or better yet, why do I put myself out there like that? I’m not cocky. Okay, I’m good at softball. Pretty decent at softball. I got 1^st in shot put, 2^nd in high jump, and my 4x4 team got 3^rd in area. So yeah I am athletic and I have many accomplishments under my belt. I’m one of those stupid people that believe if I’m not the best, I’m awful. It really get’s under my skin when I’m not number 1. So many people have told me to just sit back and realize that I am good, but as much as I want to listen, I won’t allow myself that pleasure. I can’t control it. I don’t know what makes me just get that mind set up. Obviously I understand I’m good at what I do, but why can’t that just be it with me?

Why do I have a wall set up? Every single person in the universe has imperfections, but I don’t want anybody to see mine. Why is that? Do I care too much about my image? Do I think people won’t like me? Will it make me less of myself? What it comes down to in my mind is that I can’t allow anyone to see that I’m a human being. It makes absolutely no sense though! By keeping this wall up, everyone can see my imperfections. By the way I act, everyone knows. None of this makes any sense.

It’s not like I have a bad home life. I mean not really anyways. I have a mom and dad. They have conflicts every now and then. My mom gets down a lot, I guess sort of like me. My dad has rheumatoid arthritis. Basically he has all this pain that he can’t do anything about it. It just spreads. I never think about either. I really haven’t even taken it into consideration until just now. He suffers everyday to make sure we all have what we need. Gosh. I’m ignorant. Well, I have a brother too. I believe he is a very decent person. He has my back for sure. A lot of people pick on me at school for being his sister because he is crazy (Not in a bad way! He’s a dare devil kind of. He likes to try new things and buy cool things to work on.), but I don’t let it bother me. I laugh it off. I have a sister too. We are good friends. She is usually always there for me. It’s no secret she parties. My brother does too and I don’t see why it’s a problem for him. I hate it for her though. Well, not really for her, but for me. I catch a whole bunch of grief at school and with friends about how she lives her life. It’s not their business anymore than it is mine, but it just really upsets me. Obviously, I have a good family, I think. We all have our tweaks, but it’s what makes us, us. I love my family to death. They get on my nerves a lot and I know I get on theirs more than a lot, but I know they love me too. So, if I have a good family, why do I have such problems?

I don’t go to my family or friends for help on emotional problems or personal problems. I think I get embarrassed and don’t want to open to them about my life. As you can see, I keep a lot of things bottled up inside. I always have as far as I’m concerned. I know there are many people who would just love for me to sit down with them and just talk to them about what I am going through, but I just can’t do it. I haven’t realized why either. It bothers me. I can’t even be real with myself, so how could I be with somebody else?

I don’t have even the slightest clue on how to go about any of this. I don’t know why I am doing it either. It’s not like after I do this I’m going to feel any better. Hell, why do I even want you seeing this? I’ve been called the victim too many times; what am I doing, now, then? Being the victim? Basically. I don’t want your sympathy. You can keep that to yourself. If I wanted sympathy, I wouldn’t hold back all the time.

I haven’t even concluded anything of this either. I’ve been sitting in my bed, laptop in my lap, phone off, headphones in, listening to a new playlist to just make me think, and I have concluded nothing of myself.

So let’s see, who do I think I am? I think I’m Casey Padgett, a freshman in high school, someone who can’t handle the care that people supply her with, someone who covers up her self-consciousness with cockiness, someone who tries hard to make relationships work, but just can’t grasp hold of the right technique to do it, someone who doesn’t want to hear everyone else’s opinion of her, someone who cares what people think enough to change her entire self for people, someone who uses sarcasm as a way to communicate, someone who can stand up for herself, someone who gets her point across easily, someone who needs to just calm down, someone who isn’t happy with the way people actually want to listen, someone who doesn’t take advantage of what she has right now, someone who can’t commit, someone who tries hard to be the absolute best, someone who needs to realize it’s not always a competition, someone who has her priorities messed up, someone who wakes up in the morning and thinks “well, here we go again”, someone who wants to solve the world’s problems before attacking hers first, someone who can keep you laughing, someone who wants to have fun, but really doesn’t know how to be fun by being her ACTUAL self, someone who likes to write out her feelings, someone who is a good student with bad habits, someone who doesn’t take other people’s feelings into consideration, someone who would actually be a happier person, if she opened up to the ones closest to her, someone who is just not that close to God, and sadly she is content with that, someone who wants to travel, someone who just wants to get out and make a difference, someone who wants to runaway, someone who needs to runaway, someone who is ready to go off to college in a different town with different people to start all over, someone who beats herself up over what she can and cannot be, someone who makes insane attempts to reach her full potential, someone who thinks her best isn’t her best, that she could do better, someone who goes to music, someone who wishes she could write a book, someone who has many plenty of mistakes, someone who is to ignorant, someone who can be extremely obnoxious, someone who just sees the flaws and not the actually glory of herself, someone who hates being told who someone else thinks she is, someone who doesn’t understand herself at all.

Well, that’s who I think I am. I’d like to say there is a mixture of positive and negative things in there. There are many things that I wish I could change. You don’t need to point fingers and tell me what you think I should change. I used to think that maybe you don’t need to change. Well, in some cases, you don’t need to, but I have mixed feelings on me. I want to change, but I don’t know whether to or not. I’ve also noted in this passage that I’ve been lying to myself; how do I really know that I’m lying about who I am? What if I just think I’m lying because I want to believe I’m something else? I don’t understand it. I just wrote this to help me out. If you read it, wow, thanks, it means a lot to think someone spent their time reading something little ole me wrote. Anyway, maybe you know what I’m going through, maybe you don’t, but this may help you get notation as to what is going through this little crazy head of mine. 

http://oneword.com/